Buddy System Basics
by Tim Cimino
Our chief want in
life is somebody who shall make us do what we can.
Ralph
Waldo Emerson
The “buddy” support system is recommended to help you stay
focused on the best, most loving use of your time.
It allows you to get support throughout the week rather
than just once a week.
What
is a buddy system?
It’s simply pairing up with another person for mutual
support on goals. Usually buddies take turns calling each other,
sometimes twice a week, sometimes daily. During these brief calls, each
person reports on their progress since the last call and their
plans until the next call.
Why
have a buddy?
- Ongoing
personal support
-
Mutual
encouragement
-
To
remind you to act on your goals on a regular basis
-
To
create "soft" deadlines and "bite-sized"
steps that help you to keep moving forward.
Good
Buddy Behaviors
Listen actively, occasionally communicating back to
your buddy the core message of what you think they said.
If your buddy doesn’t make a clear goal, ask what
he or she will specifically do by the next phone call.
Keep the conversations reasonably short and to the
point.
Periodically, ask for the kind of support you want
(guidance, feedback, suggestions, information, empathy, etc.) and
ask your buddy what kind of support he or she wants.
Other
Buddy Tips
These
are suggestions, so adapt them to your own style:
- Find someone with a similar level of desire, and, if
possible, similar interests and goals. Ask if they would be
willing to make and receive “buddy” support phone calls.
(Weekly breakfast or luncheon meetings are another suggestion.)
- Use the buddy system for goals for which you need
support. Choose a goal that is “a reasonable stretch.” If you
use your buddy’s support for things that you’d do anyway,
you’re just wasting your time.
-
Set up regular times to call. During the first two
weeks one call a day is suggested. Otherwise, twice a week is
good. For instance, my buddy would call me late Tuesday night, and
I would call her on Saturday mornings.
-
When you first set up the arrangement, set it up for
a finite time. We suggest four months. If this sounds like a big
commitment, remember that you are each only making one call a
week. If you have a lot of goals,
then find two buddies and split your goals.
-
A little chitchat is good, but limit the length of
the call. Suggestion: take about 5-10 minutes. (Decide this
together, so that you both have the same expectation.) If you
start to take too long, then one or the other may start to put off
the calls.
-
In each call both of you must make a report of: a)
your specific progress since the last call, and b) your specific
plan until the next call.
-
If you don’t set numeric goals, things start to
get fuzzy. For example, it’s probably too vague to say, “I
will exercise twice” unless you have a specific exercise routine
in mind. It’s better to say, “This week I will jog twice for
20-30 minutes.” Sometimes putting in a range gives you
flexibility. For example: “I will make three to seven calls for
the Parent Teacher Organization.” “I will write two to four
letters to old friends.”
- Give yourself permission to fail. Sometimes other
things get in the way. However, if you keep falling short of your
goal, maybe you set your goal too high. If you keep
procrastinating, decide if you really want to do it or not.
-
Often, even with the best of intentions, a
particular pairing doesn’t work, or it eventually peters out.
Talk with your buddy if you notice a drop in motivation; maybe an
adjustment needs to be made. Otherwise, rather than end in a
fizzle, make a crisp ending and express gratitude for whatever
support you’ve received. Then, if this process helps you, find a
new buddy!
-
It helps to practice your listening skills.
For a brief one-page review, check out Some Tips for Listening Well. To study Active Listening
and Empathic Listening in depth, you can use
Integrating Listening Skills.
Buddy
Start-up Steps
With
your buddy:
1. Trade
phone numbers. Write the buddy’s name and number where you
won’t lose it.
2. Decide
the approximate times you’re going to call and write yourself a
reminder.
3. Decide
who calls first.
4. Check
with each other about leaving messages, whether it’s okay.
5. Talk
about what you’ll do if one forgets to call. Probably the other
should call. (One idea is to call and ring once as a reminder at
the pre-arranged time.)
6. Each
partner takes two to three minutes to share on their progress and
then the kind of goals they will be working on.
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