The Misery to Joy
Skill
(To Feel Better, Change an Attitude or
a Behavior Pattern)
In
thirty minutes you can identify and begin to change an attitude or
behavior pattern that causes you unhappiness. While
depression and certain addictions and destructive patterns require expert help,
the following four steps will help you identify and remove many everyday sources
of unhappiness. [Note: if this exercise gives you some insight but not
enough to get at the root of your unhappiness, you may want to use
it with a counselor to assist you.]
This exercise is based on the idea that much unhappiness is the
result of your inappropriate behaviors and actions which in
turn are the result of erroneous decisions you've made or
attitudes that you've learned. Even when you are unhappy
because of what someone else did, perhaps half of the time, they
may be reacting to something you did wrong. For instance, if
someone yells at you and embarrasses you in public, it may be
because you broke a promise to them. So your humiliation may
be traced to your broken promise which may be traced to an
erroneous attitude. (For instance, "I must do things for
others to be accepted by them.") In some cases, your
unhappiness may be caused by other's bad decisions or
attitudes, yet if they keep disappointing you or harming you,
don't you have a choice to assert your needs or break off the
relationship?
In some cases, once you have identified the decision or attitude, you
may need to re-decide or replace the attitude with a better
one. In other cases, you may need to learn a skill such as
assertiveness, active listening or how to negotiate. For
this learning process we recommend that you have ongoing support
of a Buddy or support group to help you integrate the new and more
healthy pattern.
Step One Write down the negative feelings and experiences you've had in the past
week, and any others you can think of from the recent past. If you can't
remember them in detail, then start making a record each night of the major
negative feelings and experiences of the day. It's important to go by actual
events and not impressions, or else you may fool yourself into thinking one
source of misery is the greatest, when another one is actually more of a
problem. It also helps to
list the duration and intensity of your negative feelings. The list below may jog your memory.
(See Step Two.)
Step
Two
From the following list, select your three or four
greatest sources of unhappiness or misery. For example, my top three, in order, might be: greed, judging others, and making false assumptions.
Note: Below, in parentheses, are some causes and
results of these behaviors. These parenthetical lists are
certainly not the only possible causes and results.
___ Having unrealistic expectations
of others and yourself. (Common feelings are disappointment, frustration and
sometimes anger.)
___ Being greedy for things or
experiences. (Feelings: restlessness, impatience, anxiety emptiness.) Greed can
take many forms: hurrying; overspending and getting into debt; always wanting to
be the center of attention; getting angry when you don't get what you want;
cutting corners that later get you in trouble, for example, not taking care of your
home or car, or buying a cheap, poorly made alternative to a quality product.
Greed can also contribute to clutter and disorganization if you're greedy for
things or information.
___ Comparing yourself to others.
(Telltale feelings include envy, shame and pride.)
___ Trying to live up to others'
expectations. Trying to please others. Playing a role. Being fake. (Underlying causes:
self-hatred or low self-esteem. Result: disappointment and stress on
personal relationships.)
___ Overindulging yourself on food,
sex, drugs or entertainment. (Can be caused by self-hatred, low self-esteem,
boredom and lead to more self-hatred and low self-esteem, and also feeling washed-out.)
___ Procrastinating on things you
have to do, sometimes to the point where you end up having to pay additional
penalties in money or lost time. This can include not doing your taxes or
homework on time, not paying bills, not doing housework, and not taking care of
certain chronic health problems. (This can lead to self-hatred, guilt, and
physical distress such as back pain.)
___ Getting into relationships with
people who are trouble, or who just can't meet your needs. (This can produce a
long list of miseries and ill-feelings.)
___ Choosing a career or doing a job
that just isn’t right for you. (Like a bad relationship, this can also produce
a variety of miseries.)
___ Worrying about things. (Causes
stress and subtly keeps the focus on you in an unproductive way and off you
in a productive way.)
___ Making false assumptions. Jumping
to conclusions. Engaging in illogical thinking. (Clues: making a lot of mistakes
and having to pay for them in time, money and emotional stress.)
___ Negative thinking. (This includes
thoughts like: "I'm a loser." "Bad things always happen to
me." "I’m dumb." "I’m ugly." "I’m too
old." "I’m a lousy person." "I'll never be popular."
"Nobody will ever really love me." "I can't change.")
___ Recurring fears or anxiety.
(Causes stress, loss of joy, and burdens relationships.)
___ Not keeping promises and
commitments, or lying to others. (Although you avoid work and effort in the
short-term, breaking promises and lying ultimately comes back to you when others avoid you, refuse to help
you, or
become negative toward you. It can lead to loneliness, loss of a job, or low
self-esteem.) Making excuses can also be part of the pattern.
___ Being selfish. (For consequences,
see above.)
___ Daydreaming. Living in the past,
the future, or in fantasies. (Weakens or prevents relationships, and can cause
accidents and lost opportunities when you’re not paying attention.)
___ Trying to control everything.
(Actions: Doing everything
yourself. Not delegating to other. Emotions: anger at others who don't do
what you want, restlessness, over-analysis, and stress. )
___ Judging others. (Causes feelings
of anger, bitterness, disdain, contempt and isolation.)
___ Playing "games" with
others. (This often involves replaying "scripts" in which you play a
role such as "victim," "attacker" or "rescuer.")
___ Not accepting loss. (Can cause
anger or depression.)
___ Unassertiveness. Not expressing
your feelings to others. Keeping them bottled up. (Can lead to explosive anger
and stress.)
___ Perfectionism. Not accepting your
own and others’ flaws. (Can lead to self-hatred, impatience, intolerance,
inertia, hatred of others, or carrying a grudge. Can be caused by a need
to please or a need for acceptance.)
List other sources of unhappiness:
___ _____________________
___ _____________________
___ _____________________
Step
Three From the above list, figure
out the the biggest source of unhappiness. What negative feeling or
pattern would you most like to erase from your life? One you have picked
one, explore
all the connections and consequences of the pattern. Write them down, beginning with a
description of the negative feelings and then the situation or pattern and what
you think are the causes. Following the example below, fill out a copy of the
Misery
to Joy Worksheet.
Sometimes you’ll be able to get to the root of the problem yourself, and other
times you’ll need to talk to a friend or counselor. Here’s an example:
What are your negative feelings? Envy, self-pity and
regret.
How do you feel about having these feelings? I feel ashamed that I’m
envious.
What are your inappropriate behaviors and/or thoughts? Comparing myself to others, and daydreaming.
What’s the frequency and duration of the negative feelings? Almost every
other day I spend thirty minutes or more wallowing in envy and self-pity.
What was a recent external trigger event? My friend recently found a good
job.
What are some other examples? My other friend got engaged to this wonderful
girl. My brother got his photo in the newspaper for his outstanding volunteer
service.
What’s your general pattern or sequence of feelings, behaviors and thoughts? When others get things, I'm
envious. Then I get
into negative thinking about myself. Then I fantasize about me getting what they
have. Or I become secretly pleased when they fail at something. Sometimes my
feelings swing to regret when I kick myself about missing some past
opportunities.
Are there any secret payoffs for the pattern? The fantasizing allows me
feelings of superiority. Wallowing in self-pity prevents me from having to exert
myself with meaningful action. The whole process keeps the focus centered on me.
What thoughts and attitudes support the pattern? "I'm better than they
are." "Why are they so lucky?" "They had advantages I didn't—a
supportive family, good things and a good education. I deserve that too!"
What were the consequences and costs of the pattern? Being cold to friends
and losing one. Lost time spent in self-pity, and fantasies of how my life could
have been better.
What are the sources or root causes? Lack of support from parents while
growing up. Lack of job skills. Lack of social skills. Lack of present support.
Procrastination.
Which of these root causes can you change? Job and social skill level. Amount
of personal support.
What alternative, new thoughts and attitudes can you have? "I deserve
something only if I earn it." "Just because they got ahead, it doesn't
mean that I'm worth any less." "Even though I'm envious, I’m glad
they still consider me their friend." "We each have unique gifts and
strengths, and I don’t need to compare myself to others."
What alternate behaviors would help? Studying how they succeeded and using
them as models.
Complimenting my friends on their successes. Identifying my strengths and
appreciating them.
What other things can you do? Join a support group. Take a class to improve
my communication skills. Practice the alternative thinking, perhaps with a
Buddy.
What will be the payoffs for the new behaviors? Better relationships with
friends. Ongoing support. A better paying, more satisfying job. Less negative
thinking.
Step Four
Create a plan to
integrate the new thinking and behaviors into your life, for
example:
- Schedule the new behaviors and actions on your calendar.
- Schedule a time for daily review of your feelings.
- Write written reminders so you’ll practice the new thinking
Let me offer one final caution as you do this
exercise: Realize that your bad patterns might actually interfere with their
removal. If you procrastinate or blame others, for example, these tendencies may
prevent you from using this tool to your advantage. So if you’re not willing
to do this, that’s all the more reason to act passionately to break the
pattern. While it takes a little time to work through this for one issue,
isn’t it worth it to reduce or eliminate a source of misery from your life?
Why not call a friend for personal support or sit down with a piece of paper
right now and see what you can do? (You can use the Dream
and Goal Sheet to create a strong plan, and then use the Buddy
System format for ongoing support to make a change that will last.)
|
